What exactly is a successful marriage and how can it be
achieved, you may be wondering. This is precisely what this blogpost will be
discussing. To start off, it is good to define the terms at hand. What exactly
is a marriage? According to Knox & Schacht (2016), marriage is “a legal
relationship that binds a couple together for the reproduction, physical care,
and socialization of children.” Although marriage is defined, at the very basic
level, as primarily a legal relationship, it is a highly regarded institution
in our society and is often a path chosen by couples who love each other and
want to spend the rest of their lives together. So what is it that makes this
relationship successful? Is it simply maintaining it? Is it always being happy with
the relationship? Is it gaining more than you lose by being in the
relationship?
According to our textbook, marital success is defined as, “the quality of the marriage relationship measured in terms of stability and happiness” (Knox & Schacht, 2016). This “stability and happiness” can manifest itself in a variety of forms such as satisfaction with the marriage, a lack of distress, integration, quality of the relationship and level of adjustment (Knox & Schacht, 2016). Researchers have found that there are some characteristics often found within these types of successful marriages. These characteristics include: intimacy and partner attachment, communication and humor between the spouses, common interests, positive self-concepts, not being materialistic, having positive role models, similar level of religiosity, trust between the spouses, personal and emotional commitment to stay married, sexual satisfaction, equitable relationships, marriage/connection rituals, minimal or no negative statements and attributions between the spouses, forgiveness, economic security, physical and psychological health of individuals in the family, and flexibility. While some of these characteristics are inherent in the spouses, some must be intentionally put into practice in order for their relationship to thrive.
One study by Fields (1983) discussed several factors that are associated with happier and more successful marriages. These factors included sexual satisfaction by both partners, congruence in each of the spouses’ views of each other and their views of themselves, positive view of parents’ relationship, as well as the ability to empathize with one’s spouse and understand what they are going through and how they feel. Another important, and more recent, study by Gau (2011) found that the process of differentiation between the spouses was a crucial factor in the success of a marriage. The process of differentiation in marriage involves a three step process. First, you must come to terms with the fact that you and your spouse are two different people with different interests, likes, dislikes, etc. No matter how compatible you are, you must realize that, at the end of the day, you are each your own individual. The second step is self-differentiation in which each spouse sees themselves as their own person with their own thoughts, feelings, ideas, etc. Lastly, the couple must learn to differentiate from each other so as to become separate beings while still being involved together in their relationship (Baer, 2015). Gau (2011) suggests that we use differentiation as a means to transform and reform marriage in order to meet the needs of today’s society.
Below are various resources that give helpful tips on creating and maintaining a successful marriage:
Works Cited:
Baer, D. (2015).
Psychologists say you need these 3 compatibility factors to have a successful
marriage. Retrieved March 20, 2016, from http://www.businessinsider.com/what-makes-a-marriage-successful-2015-3
Fields, N. S.
(1983). Satisfaction in long-term marriages. Social Work, 28(1),
37-41.
Gau, J. V.
(2011). Successful marriage. Pastoral Psychology, 60(5),
651-658.
Knox, D., &
Schacht, C. (2016). Choices in Relationships: An Introduction to
Marriage and the Family (12th Edition). Boston, MA: Cengage Learning.
Temple, M.
(2009). Ten Secrets to a Successful Marriage. Retrieved March 20, 2016, from http://www.focusonthefamily.com/marriage/daily-living/keeping-romance-alive/ten-secrets-to-a-successful-marriage
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