Successful Marriage

What exactly is a successful marriage and how can it be achieved, you may be wondering. This is precisely what this blogpost will be discussing. To start off, it is good to define the terms at hand. What exactly is a marriage? According to Knox & Schacht (2016), marriage is “a legal relationship that binds a couple together for the reproduction, physical care, and socialization of children.” Although marriage is defined, at the very basic level, as primarily a legal relationship, it is a highly regarded institution in our society and is often a path chosen by couples who love each other and want to spend the rest of their lives together. So what is it that makes this relationship successful? Is it simply maintaining it? Is it always being happy with the relationship? Is it gaining more than you lose by being in the relationship?

According to our textbook, marital success is defined as, “the quality of the marriage relationship measured in terms of stability and happiness” (Knox & Schacht, 2016). This “stability and happiness” can manifest itself in a variety of forms such as satisfaction with the marriage, a lack of distress, integration, quality of the relationship and level of adjustment (Knox & Schacht, 2016). Researchers have found that there are some characteristics often found within these types of successful marriages. These characteristics include: intimacy and partner attachment, communication and humor between the spouses, common interests, positive self-concepts, not being materialistic, having positive role models, similar level of religiosity, trust between the spouses, personal and emotional commitment to stay married, sexual satisfaction, equitable relationships, marriage/connection rituals, minimal or no negative statements and attributions between the spouses, forgiveness, economic security, physical and psychological health of individuals in the family, and flexibility. While some of these characteristics are inherent in the spouses, some must be intentionally put into practice in order for their relationship to thrive.

Below is a video made by a couple that gives couples advice for having a happy marriage:

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=K6qqLIsCFiY

One study by Fields (1983) discussed several factors that are associated with happier and more successful marriages. These factors included sexual satisfaction by both partners, congruence in each of the spouses’ views of each other and their views of themselves, positive view of parents’ relationship, as well as the ability to empathize with one’s spouse and understand what they are going through and how they feel. Another important, and more recent, study by Gau (2011) found that the process of differentiation between the spouses was a crucial factor in the success of a marriage. The process of differentiation in marriage involves a three step process. First, you must come to terms with the fact that you and your spouse are two different people with different interests, likes, dislikes, etc. No matter how compatible you are, you must realize that, at the end of the day, you are each your own individual. The second step is self-differentiation in which each spouse sees themselves as their own person with their own thoughts, feelings, ideas, etc. Lastly, the couple must learn to differentiate from each other so as to become separate beings while still being involved together in their relationship (Baer, 2015). Gau (2011) suggests that we use differentiation as a means to transform and reform marriage in order to meet the needs of today’s society.

Below are various resources that give helpful tips on creating and maintaining a successful marriage:

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Cif4ZgAo2Ms

http://www.focusonthefamily.com/marriage/daily-living/keeping-romance-alive/ten-secrets-to-a-successful-marriage

Works Cited:

Baer, D. (2015). Psychologists say you need these 3 compatibility factors to have a successful marriage. Retrieved March 20, 2016, from http://www.businessinsider.com/what-makes-a-marriage-successful-2015-3

Fields, N. S. (1983). Satisfaction in long-term marriages. Social Work, 28(1), 37-41.

Gau, J. V. (2011). Successful marriage. Pastoral Psychology, 60(5), 651-658.

Knox, D., & Schacht, C. (2016). Choices in Relationships: An Introduction to Marriage and the Family (12th Edition). Boston, MA: Cengage Learning.

Temple, M. (2009). Ten Secrets to a Successful Marriage. Retrieved March 20, 2016, from http://www.focusonthefamily.com/marriage/daily-living/keeping-romance-alive/ten-secrets-to-a-successful-marriage

Cohabitation

According to Knox & Schacht (2016), cohabitation is defined as, “two adults, unrelated by blood or law, involved in an emotional and sexual relationship, who sleep in the same residence at least four nights a week for three months.” Cohabitation is currently a growing trend in the United States. According to npr.org, there are currently eight million couples cohabitating. Additionally, about 65% of first marriages today start out as a cohabitating relationship, 55% more than the number 50 years ago. Despite this, there is still much controversy over whether or not the cohabitation experience is worth having or whether it causes more harm than good. 

Many people, especially young millennials (born during or after the 1980’s) feel that they cannot commit to marrying someone unless they have lived with them first in order to make sure that they are compatible first. They see many benefits to cohabitating such as getting to know each other for who they really are, saving money, and simply enjoying each other’s company more. While these benefits may indeed come with cohabitation, it also comes with a variety of potential issues as well. 

One recent study found that cohabitation before marriage may lead to relationship instability (Woods & Emery, 2002). It also found that marriages that started as cohabitating relationships have a higher chance of ending in a divorce (Woods & Emery, 2016). This issue is known as the “cohabitation effect”. According to Knox & Schacht (2016), the cohabitation effect refers to the fact that “those who have multiple cohabitation experiences prior to marriage are more likely to end up in marriages characterized by violence, lower levels of happiness, lower levels of positive communication, and higher levels of depression.” There are many theories as to why this is the case. One study by Steuber, Priem, Scharp, & Thomas (2014) concluded that one of the main reasons why this happens in cohabitating relationships is because of couples who are cohabitating do not usually have the same visions or goals for their relationship. This means that while one partner may want to move in with the other for convenience, saving money, or to try out the relationship, the other may be looking for a long term relationship or marriage. Because the goals for the relationship may not always be clear, commitment issues begin to arise. Another issue that is mentioned in this study is the fact that couples who cohabitate often deal with a combination of some of the issues dealt with in dating relationships, marriages, as well as challenges that are unique to cohabitators (Steuber, et al., 2014).

Below is a video that compares cohabitation to marriage:

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=CGBZfmtcQQM

Here is a website that talks about cohabitation as a means to marriage and how you can bypass the issues related to cohabitation by being more aware of these potential issues from the start: http://www.focusonthefamily.com/marriage/preparing-for-marriage/test-driving-marriage/cohabitation-as-a-means-of-marriage.

Although the majority of current research concludes that there is, indeed, a clear association between cohabitation before marriage and lesser quality relationships as well as increased risk of divorce, there seems to still be some difference of opinion on the matter. According to Knox & Schacht (2016), there are nine types of cohabitating relationships. The fact that there is such variation in the kinds of cohabitating relationships as well as reasons for cohabitating makes it difficult to make any conclusive statements about its effects.

Below is another video which argues that cohabitation is not actually all that bad:

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Ca4J5F3M35M

Works Cited:

Donevan, Connor. (2014). Millennials Navigate the Ups and Downs of Cohabitation. NPR, November, 1. http://www.npr.org/2014/11/01/358876955/millennials-navigate-the-ups-and-downs-of-cohabitation

Knox, D., & Schacht, C. (2016). Choices in Relationships: An Introduction to Marriage and the Family (12th Edition). Boston, MA: Cengage Learning.

Steuber, K. R., Priem, J. S., Scharp, K. M., & Thomas, L. (2014). The content of relational uncertainty in non-engaged cohabiting relationships. Journal of Applied Communication Research, 42(1), 107-123.

Tracy, A. (2008). Cohabitation as a Means to Marriage. March 19, 2016. http://www.focusonthefamily.com/marriage/preparing-for-marriage/test-driving-marriage/cohabitation-as-a-means-of-marriage

Woods, L. N., & Emery, R. E. (2002). The cohabitation effects on divorce: Causation or selection?. Journal of Divorce & Remarriage, 37(3-4), 101-119.